Thu, Aug. 6th, 2015, 02:40 pm
I had a dream the other day that I was in an airport and it was under a pretty elaborate terrorist siege. Everyone was scattered around and many people were dying, total chaos for about an hour. I was looking around for who was leading the survivors and nobody was, but there was a megaphone on a chair. I picked it up and screamed through the fire, broken glass, and huddled, crying groups for everyone to form two lines and we'd be moving together to a safer part of the building.
I woke up right after that, and realized I was not in an airport full of death and destruction, I was in my house, woke up a little late, and its time to go to work. I wish I could say I felt relieved at my safety, but instead I was hit with the feeling of being somewhat useless.
Its hard to have a personality whose strong points are only any good in moments of extreme crisis and desperation, where you may not be a good option, but you are the only one willing. Probably not a healthy way to be, but alas; here I am.
I know people read Facebook, but that is not the place to put things I care about. I should take some time to copypasta some stuff from Facebook over the past however long.
We pay the price within ourselves of the uncharitable behavior we show to others.
I spent the majority of my life essentially crippled as a listener. I could not hear others because I was not taught how to listen. I learned in college that I had a lifelong habit of listening for "competence" instead of "content". I was not just hearing, I was evaluating. That evaluation was only of the content of the message, but it was always immediately being tested, and if it went on long enough, it would reflect on the speaker.
The price I paid for that is in valuing competence as a primary trait. What I expected of others was to perform at a certain level at whatever they might be doing, to "deliver" or "know what they are talking about". The problem with this is that if a person who values this way ends up being the kind of person who isn't good at anything, they see no value in themselves.
I am learning how to live life knowing that I am not 'good' at anything I do. I used to be a heavy gamer, but I lost more games of Magic: The Gathering than I dare to remember--I lost the majority of them, despite having a categorical knowledge of the game, strategy, and rules. All the other games I played, WH40k, LOTR tabletop, Pokemon, etc, all huge strings of losses. I've never won anything by chance. I have not been very good at any job I've ever had, and if I was good at the work, I was terrible within the organization. I am not good at being a dad, knowing what to do with my kids when they simply won't comply or calm down. I am not good at being a husband and knowing what my wife needs and how I can do that. I am not good at evangelism, I don't usually get there with anyone I talk to. I am not good at writing, what I write is overbaked, too scrutinized, and lacks a grasp of controlling imagination gaps between the explicit details. I am not good at fishing, I simply can't find fish. I am not even good at conversations, I miss things, talk too much, misunderstand and misconvey anything. I don't even know how to dress myself.
I simply am not "above average" at anything. I would say I am below average on almost any tangible thing. Everyone doesn't like this idea, and resists it. "Oh Eamon, you are good at things. You're smart and articulate, blah blah blah." Being smart and articulate is not a skill or ability, it is like being tall or light skinned. Its like that scene in Elf when the elves tell Buddy he is good at changing the smoke alarm batteries.
The truth is, not everyone is good at anything. And being good at things is not all there is to life. It isn't even most of life. I can spend my life bewildered at how so many cashiers can't count change, how many lawyers are surprised by laws they should know, how many drivers lose control of their cars, and how many parents treat their kids like crap. Or I can accept that I am one of those people, and value of living your life doesn't come from out-competing or even qualifying. The guy who is a sub-par postman for 45 years still gets to retire after a long career in postal work, simply because he did it; not because he did it well.
I'm not good at my job, or any aspect of my life. I can't sell myself as the "best option" for anything because I am not the best option. I'm just available sometimes. And usually, that is enough.
Mon, Apr. 20th, 2015, 12:57 pm
DOS A CERO
Gotta book down some details about the trip to my first game!
I got the whole thing planned out the prior weekend, set up an hour by hour itenerary on Evernote, which made the whole trip awesome and stress free. Took forever to find a hotel that wasn't $400, but I got one!
Spent the morning getting ready and pumped for the trip, got my bag together and some cash, and Wes picked me up for lunch. Whataburger was slammed, so he ate a Dairy Queen salad, which came on a plate(I had no idea they had plates there). We head out, and cruised to San Antonio, talking about trusting church leadership, soccer and fandom, wives, bible studies, all kinds of stuff. We got there, landed at the La Quinta, and there were a good mix of US and Mexico fans already. Simple hotel, but better than a motel, and not at all shabby for $115 with tax. We checked in, got our stuff in, checked for bedbugs, and started walking. I felt pretty naked with no keys and no knife. Stopped by The Station Cafe and had a garlic roast beef sandwich. I loved it, though it was definitely not healthy every-day food. Turns out it was a good thing Wes missed his FatBurger at lunch, as he says. I wish places would carry something other than fountain drinks and tea and potato chips for sides.
The walk was about a mile, nothing to see. San Antonio is an unremarkable place.
When we got to the Alamodome, it was clear they just let it all roll there. No signs, instructions, intercom, nothing. So we wandered around the plaza looking for what was there, mostly promotional stuff of no interest(including a Chevy dealership showing off Man U jerseys). I got in line and picked up a warmup jersey(the primary was sold out in Medium) and a new track jacket to replace my Ireland jacket. I got that Ireland jacket from a Target over a decade ago and had no money, so I put it on an XXL hangar and came back in 2-4 days, whatever it was, and bought it. Its worn out, and I am happy to have replaced it with a good quality track jacket tied to some good memories.
After wandering through the crowd to the door, and the interminable, line-less waiting traffic, I swapped out my shirt. I don't think I look any different than when I started working out at the start of the year, but I feel like I care less about body image, just from using my body to it's abilities on a daily routine.
We were under a bit of an overhang, so all the Mexican women screaming were busting out ears. I will remember to try to get a middle tier seat next time. Below the overhang was getting sprayed with beer from the middle tier. The view was actually fine, we had a little tv for the sideline stuff we couldn't see.
The pitch was crap, but life goes on. I was so pumped! Watching in person, I was concerned that I wouldn't have the skillset to watch the entire field of play, but I loved it! You can see the goalkeepers pressing, the fullbacks sneaking up on set pieces to provide options and draw defenders off the box, you can see a CB(Omar) shutting down a forward(Cubo) for the entire game by excellent marking and winning headers, it was awesome. Somehow the coin toss went the other way and we were attacking the first half toward the AO section, and attacking the "Pancho's Army" section the second half, where both goals were scored. I could not believe that Jordan Morris beat the keeper like that. And Wes asked who Agudelo is, and I said he is a "creative striker, for MLS" and was thinking "he's also good at holding up play, but I forgot to say that" and then he just does it. Most won't remember that Bradley's late corner almost made it 3-0 very very narrowly. Great game, I can't WAIT for July when I get to see the USMNT again, Honduras, Panama...gonna be exciting. Chris B should be able to make it to that one, but his friends bailed on him on this one. July he should be sitting on my row. We saw Addrian afterward, which was nice. He was talking up this coffee his people roasted that month.
Afterward, we left so pumped up, and grateful we didn't park at the stadium or try to drive back. There was no food to be had, at only 11pm, and when we got to the hotel, there were flyers for pizza places that had the worst yelp reviews I've ever seen. So we tried to order room service. It was some 1800 number that had us on hold for 10 minutes after the 10 it took to decide what we want, and they said it'd be an hour and a half to get food. 1am arrival? No thanks. We crashed out, and I slept like crap all night. I was thinking about the game, dreaming about the game, couldn't tell if I was awake or asleep.
We got up, got out, and headed to Rosella Coffee for breakfast. Wes had oatmeal, and I had two strange "egg cloud" sandwiches. The coffee though. It was the stuff Addrian roasts, from Cuvee in Austin, and I could have chugged three of those lattes. Its been so long since I've had a properly roasted and ground bean and real microfoam! I had to order another to go and bought some beans. Some thing called Witness from Cuvee, super acidic and fruity stuff that has been killer as shots in my morning shakes. It balances out the banana just right. Good stuff.
Great trip. Can't wait for Saturday, when I take the girls to Houston. Even though yesterday we didn't get through a trip to the pier without blowing money on pole fees and live shrimp, Lily having a waaay out of character poop catastrophe, and ending the trip early. I sent Mae to her mom's for some relax time, but Phoebe just screamed at her "NO!" the whole time. I made dinner and we put the kids to bed, and had a nice quiet but cold dinner when they went to sleep, porkchops with Stubbs sauce, and shrimp we didn't use for bait. The only visitor was a quiet cat.
Crazy times, having little kids.
I am going to start back up the journal. I recently cracked it open and realized what a huge treasure trove of memories and perspective it is, and helps to keep my life narrative from being an egocentric subjective illusion. And then I check Facebook and, not surprisingly, they hide 99% of everything I have posted, even from myself.
I think there are a lot of reasons why I stopped writing in here. Not the least of which was that I had kids, and they were exhausting. They still are, but they are finally all potty trained, and sleep through the night.
Anyone can read this that would like, but this is my journal. My. Journal. It is for me to be me, for me to read and write about, and not to censor myself. I will continue to happily censor anyone else I would like in the comments as I see fit. But anyone interested in peeking at my day can have a read over here, and maybe I'll alert the Facebook when something good happens.
I was told by Pastor Kevin a long time ago that people like me benefit from getting their thoughts out, organized on paper. I think I agree, so here it is. A daily-ish account of what's going on.
I won't catch up stuff from Facebook, as that would take forever, and the idea here is to journal the present. So I'll solve the datamining conundrum with my Facebook account some other time.
I am really trying to get to the gym at 7am. I am really no good at mornings. Wes being there is a huge help, but he also provides a ready excuse for me to blow it off for the day if I miss our appointment(which is probably good anyways). Wes walked me through his "push pull" workout from P90x, and a gym guy named Chris(I think?) gave me a good tip on one of the exercises, moving me from a 20lb weight to a 45, and he was right.
I'm getting my espresso maker dialed in, though it is starting to seem like every single batch of beans needs a customised grind setting. I miss the What's Brewing? beans, but the Ruta Maya ones aren't so bad.
Got a lot done at work today. I am feeling very productive with that, but also a little like I need to kick it into gear with learning more stuff surrounding what I do, and detailed understanding of what I do. I can't wait for every situation to have actually happened to me and expect Dusty to walk me through it.
Wrapped up the day with a trip to Airport Park to take Norah's birthday pictures, and Keri and Hazel came along too, since they are visiting. It was a nice time, if not stressful. Then we came back home, bedtime and then I got to diagnose and repair our WiFi. Had to buy Mae a new antenna and switch to 40mhz, that seemed to have done the trick for now.
Automating my time has been a pretty reasonable success. I ended up switching to just using my phone's calander, so I'm keeping it native. I can't believe this, but I think I'm ending up something of a minimalist. I've always been a very utilitarian person, but I'm seeing the value in having less, both physically and psychologically. I can't explain how this CGP Grey/Tiny Homes lifestyle meshes so well with a Fred Rogers outlook on life and society, but it does. At least it does for me. Fred Rogers has become a role model for me on a daily level, both in how I talk to my kids and deal with adults. The thing that inspired this in me was him singing a song, "Its You I Like" to Joan Rivers on the Tonight Show. She is a very blue comic, and struggling to have a normal conversation without any shock value, and then when she asks him to sing her daughter's favorite song, he looks her right in the eyes and sings her the whole song without even twitching. I couldn't believe it. I looked up everything I could about him, and he wasn't just Mr. Rogers on tv, that was HIM on tv. I will tell anyone: Fred Rogers is a towering mountain of a man. He's got more manliness in his fingernail clippings than I have head to toe.
That's all, I'm tired now. Mission Accomplished.
Fri, Apr. 15th, 2011, 04:35 pm
Is anyone even on LJ anymore?
Sun, Jul. 5th, 2009, 08:40 pm
Not brutality, just murder. At least Brutus was friends with Caesar, and had something to gain. In case you hadn't heard, some police in California shot a guy in the back while pinned on the ground, presumably for being so damned agreeable.
I detest everything the world has made these people into, everything that causes this kind of senseless violence to run rampant, from Oakland to Gaza to Georgia, everything that makes anyone in their comfortable house or office feel that somehow, it is justifiable, on any scale.
/copied from my blog at askeamon.com, to boost google search hits.
Thu, Jan. 1st, 2009, 01:20 pm
"These are the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing’s users. As in, they sit on the shelf to make you look smart or well-rounded. Bold the ones you've read, underline the ones you read for school, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish."
*I dont really stop reading books that I start, very often.*
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Crime and Punishment
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Life of Pi
The Name of the Rose
Pride and Prejudice
A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov (i'm going to read it in the next month or so though as well!)
Guns, Germs, and Steel
War and Peace
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Reading Lolita in Tehran
The Canterbury Tales
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Count of Monte Cristo
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys (on my list as well)
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible
Angels & Demons
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
The Sound and the Fury
The God of Small Things
A People’s History of the United States
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
In Cold Blood
This is a list of the 50 most significant science fiction/fantasy novels, 1953-2002, according to the Science Fiction Book Club.
Bold the ones you've read, strike-out the ones you hated, italicize those you started but never finished and put an asterisk beside the ones you loved.
*On the rare occassion that I do start and don't finish a book, it is usually a complete condemnation of the work.*
1. The Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien
2. The Foundation Trilogy, Isaac Asimov
3. Dune, Frank Herbert
4. Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert A. Heinlein
5. A Wizard of Earthsea, Ursula K. Leguin
6. Neuromancer, William Gibson
7. Childhood's End, Arthur C. Clarke
8. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, Philip K. Dick
9. The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley
10. Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury
11. The Book of the New Sun, Gene Wolfe
12. A Canticle for Leibowitz, Walter M. Miller, Jr.
13. The Caves of Steel, Isaac Asimov
14. Children of the Atom, Wilmar Shiras
15. Cities in Flight, James Blish
16. The Colour of Magic, Terry Pratchett
17. Dangerous Visions, edited by Harlan Ellison
18. Deathbird Stories, Harlan Ellison
19. The Demolished Man, Alfred Bester
20. Dhalgren, Samuel R. Delany
21. Dragonflight, Anne McCaffrey
22. Ender's Game, Orson Scott Card
23. The First Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever, Stephen R. Donaldson
24. The Forever War, Joe Haldeman
25. Gateway, Frederik Pohl
26. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, J.K. Rowling
27. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
28. I Am Legend, Richard Matheson
29. Interview with the Vampire, Anne Rice
30. The Left Hand of Darkness, Ursula K. Le Guin
31. Little, Big, John Crowley
32. Lord of Light, Roger Zelazny
33. The Man in the High Castle, Philip K. Dick
34. Mission of Gravity, Hal Clement
35. More Than Human, Theodore Sturgeon
36. The Rediscovery of Man, Cordwainer Smith
37. On the Beach, Nevil Shute
38. Rendezvous with Rama, Arthur C. Clarke
39. Ringworld, Larry Niven
40. Rogue Moon, Algis Budrys
41. The Silmarillion, J.R.R. Tolkien
42. Slaughterhouse-5, Kurt Vonnegut
43. Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson
44. Stand on Zanzibar, John Brunner
45. The Stars My Destination, Alfred Bester
46. Starship Troopers, Robert A. Heinlein
47. Stormbringer, Michael Moorcock
48. The Sword of Shannara, Terry Brooks (currently reading)
49. Timescape, Gregory Benford
50. To Your Scattered Bodies Go, Philip Jose Farmer
Mon, Dec. 1st, 2008, 01:10 pm
WHERE'S THE MUTHER EFFING JOBS?!
CRAP. I'm not a nurse! There's a LOT of people out there who aren't nurses. Like, most of us.
I want a job, and not a nursing job. Crap.
Wed, Oct. 29th, 2008, 05:10 pm